Grace and Gratitude

It’s been awhile since I updated this, not sure why since these days I’m not doing much these days! I did have a busy couple of weeks there at one point, since no one plans on being hospitalized and it came right before a trip back home for a wedding. I’m so thankful to be out of the hospital and now taking every measure to not come in contact with sick people that I can! I was allowed to go home on a Monday and had a short recovery period before I was flying out to Santa Barbara that Thursday. My body definitely felt like it had been run over by a truck but I was really grateful to be able to still make the trip and be in my friend Claire’s wedding. She’s been a close friend for a few years and I would have been really bummed if I couldn’t have made it out for the wedding after all this planning. Paul traveled with me which was really helpful, eased my stress and allowed me to do a lot less (like carry bags, etc.) Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to see many people while out in California, which was really tough for me as I usually try to cram as much into my schedule as I can. God is definitely being firm in teaching me the lesson of slowing down.

This past week has been pretty hard. I’ve really struggled with feeling stagnant in all areas of my life. Between being sick myself and the boy I nanny for being sick, I had about a month straight where I couldn’t work and I think it caught up with me this week. It’s really hard to sit around, not being able to do anything because you’re too weak physically and/or don’t feel well. I’m also still working with a chemo brain here so it’s not like I can even be productive mentally; I forget everything I read or hear or don’t have the energy to process the information to begin with. I found myself repeating over and over, “I just want my body back. I just want my body back.” This led to a lot of anxiety and restless nights, as well as just discouraged emotions in general. I knew for my sanity and for my health I had to get out of this funk but when all of your resources are low, it’s tough to change your mood

I don’t know what triggered it (can’t remember of course) but thankfully I had a moment where my perspective changed and I was able to look at this season in a new way, more as a challenge to be the best ever at having cancer and going through chemotherapy. What if I approached it as my job to do this the best I can while I have to, rather than focus on all of the things I can’t do? Yeah, I’m racking up more bills than pay checks. I’m sitting around more than moving. I’m doing a whole lot of nothing when I have all of this time on my hands for the first time in my life. Who cares? Maybe I’m supposed to be super awesome at doing nothing and having patience in the huge voids. I’m not the type of person that feels like I have direct conversations with God but I can definitely look back and know His hand was in everything I’ve been through and I am always thankful for what I’ve experienced in my life because it’s gotten me to where I am today. Why is this period any different?

I went to a Mary and Martha party that my small group leader, Angela, co-hosted over the weekend and bought a beautiful pitcher that says “Grace and Gratitude” on it. At the time, I was in the middle of my funky week, trying not to pout about my fatigue and lot in life. Just a few days later, those words have really stuck with me. I need to give myself some extra grace throughout this process, ease off on feeling pressured to be productive, and return to finding things to be grateful for in my life. I know one thing that’s been at the forefront of my mind throughout this experience; I am so grateful to God for bringing Angela into my life at the beginning of this season. For the first time ever, I was joining a small group that would actually extend over 9-10 months. I was excited because I feel like ten week studies never give you time to really get to know the people but little did I know that I would be diagnosed with cancer the next week and undergoing treatment for these exact ten months. Angela opens up her house to us all every week and makes you feel as at home as possible, but she has gone way above and beyond that for me throughout this all, sitting through countless hours at the hospital with me, giving me vitamins and other things, and genuinely being such a strong woman of God that I can’t thank her enough. She is someone that doesn’t ask if you need help, she just gives it. She is so encouraging and supportive and already such a great friend of mine. So today I am thankful for Angela!

Me and Angela during my hospital stay 🙂

One of the girls in my bible study is a 2nd grade teacher and her super sweet students wrote all of these letters of encouragement, telling me stories of when they had courage to inspire me to have courage while in the hospital. It meant so much to me that they worked that had and it brought tears to my eyes!

We were able to stop by a favorite winery of mine on the way up to my parents

Sunset in Santa Barbara

Claire’s mom, Claire, me, and my parents at the wedding

A couple of the bridesmaids!