Grace and Gratitude

It’s been awhile since I updated this, not sure why since these days I’m not doing much these days! I did have a busy couple of weeks there at one point, since no one plans on being hospitalized and it came right before a trip back home for a wedding. I’m so thankful to be out of the hospital and now taking every measure to not come in contact with sick people that I can! I was allowed to go home on a Monday and had a short recovery period before I was flying out to Santa Barbara that Thursday. My body definitely felt like it had been run over by a truck but I was really grateful to be able to still make the trip and be in my friend Claire’s wedding. She’s been a close friend for a few years and I would have been really bummed if I couldn’t have made it out for the wedding after all this planning. Paul traveled with me which was really helpful, eased my stress and allowed me to do a lot less (like carry bags, etc.) Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to see many people while out in California, which was really tough for me as I usually try to cram as much into my schedule as I can. God is definitely being firm in teaching me the lesson of slowing down.

This past week has been pretty hard. I’ve really struggled with feeling stagnant in all areas of my life. Between being sick myself and the boy I nanny for being sick, I had about a month straight where I couldn’t work and I think it caught up with me this week. It’s really hard to sit around, not being able to do anything because you’re too weak physically and/or don’t feel well. I’m also still working with a chemo brain here so it’s not like I can even be productive mentally; I forget everything I read or hear or don’t have the energy to process the information to begin with. I found myself repeating over and over, “I just want my body back. I just want my body back.” This led to a lot of anxiety and restless nights, as well as just discouraged emotions in general. I knew for my sanity and for my health I had to get out of this funk but when all of your resources are low, it’s tough to change your mood

I don’t know what triggered it (can’t remember of course) but thankfully I had a moment where my perspective changed and I was able to look at this season in a new way, more as a challenge to be the best ever at having cancer and going through chemotherapy. What if I approached it as my job to do this the best I can while I have to, rather than focus on all of the things I can’t do? Yeah, I’m racking up more bills than pay checks. I’m sitting around more than moving. I’m doing a whole lot of nothing when I have all of this time on my hands for the first time in my life. Who cares? Maybe I’m supposed to be super awesome at doing nothing and having patience in the huge voids. I’m not the type of person that feels like I have direct conversations with God but I can definitely look back and know His hand was in everything I’ve been through and I am always thankful for what I’ve experienced in my life because it’s gotten me to where I am today. Why is this period any different?

I went to a Mary and Martha party that my small group leader, Angela, co-hosted over the weekend and bought a beautiful pitcher that says “Grace and Gratitude” on it. At the time, I was in the middle of my funky week, trying not to pout about my fatigue and lot in life. Just a few days later, those words have really stuck with me. I need to give myself some extra grace throughout this process, ease off on feeling pressured to be productive, and return to finding things to be grateful for in my life. I know one thing that’s been at the forefront of my mind throughout this experience; I am so grateful to God for bringing Angela into my life at the beginning of this season. For the first time ever, I was joining a small group that would actually extend over 9-10 months. I was excited because I feel like ten week studies never give you time to really get to know the people but little did I know that I would be diagnosed with cancer the next week and undergoing treatment for these exact ten months. Angela opens up her house to us all every week and makes you feel as at home as possible, but she has gone way above and beyond that for me throughout this all, sitting through countless hours at the hospital with me, giving me vitamins and other things, and genuinely being such a strong woman of God that I can’t thank her enough. She is someone that doesn’t ask if you need help, she just gives it. She is so encouraging and supportive and already such a great friend of mine. So today I am thankful for Angela!

Me and Angela during my hospital stay 🙂

One of the girls in my bible study is a 2nd grade teacher and her super sweet students wrote all of these letters of encouragement, telling me stories of when they had courage to inspire me to have courage while in the hospital. It meant so much to me that they worked that had and it brought tears to my eyes!

We were able to stop by a favorite winery of mine on the way up to my parents

Sunset in Santa Barbara

Claire’s mom, Claire, me, and my parents at the wedding

A couple of the bridesmaids!

Lots and lots of tears…

Sheesh, this is overwhelming. I had full intentions of continuing posting about the rest of the story to catch up to today but then I woke up and learned via Facebook that my sister had set up a gofundme account to help fundraise for all of my bills. Wow, what a weird feeling to click on a link, read a beautifully written story about yourself and see that people (so many you’ve never even met) are giving you money! It’s amazing how life can change in the blink of an eye. I thought it was a big enough deal that I’m now a professional blogger (😜), yet now I’m the subject of so many posts of amazing friends, reaching out asking for help on my behalf. Wow.

All of this has been a big whirlwind. One day I’m trying to figure out which yoga class fits into my schedule best and then the next I’m researching ways to flush this toxic poison I will be getting regularly shot up with out of my body. Yes, I have shed some tears of fear, pain and mainly stress about the future but they have been nothing compared to the amount of tears that have come as a reaction to all of the amazing things so many people have been doing for me. Now there’s not a single day that goes by where I don’t shed a tear out of overwhelming gratitude, appreciation and the sheer complete blanketed feelings of love I’ve been covered in. I now know what people mean when they say each and every message, post and action has literally meant the world to me. I’ve never written more heartfelt words, I’m quickly learning the feeling of passionate writing. I can’t thank everyone enough for all the support I’ve already been given in such a short time, it’s truly incredible.

Here are some beautiful bouquets of flowers, sent from my aunt Patti, my good friend Claire, and my friends up in Michigan, Rusty and Jenn! I think I appreciate flowers more than anyone I know so that’s definitely been a perk with this whole cancer thing 😉

First I started getting all of these bouquets from friends and family, then people started bringing over food after my treatment, getting my mail, just pouring out the love! Every step has been made easier each time someone acts so graciously, it reallllly warms my heart and boosts my mood. On about day 3 of recovering from my first treatment (which I will post about separately), one of my coworkers texted me to tell me she was dropping off a little something from the team. Obviously I’m thrilled because my assistant manager and I had joked prior to my diagnosis that if I did end up having cancer, they would product test me a super soft clothing item to get my Chemotherapy treatment in. So now that I know a gift is on its way, it’s hard not to get my hopes up and my focus off the nausea for a little while.

Care package from my coworkers at lululemon athletica Durham!

I was sitting out on the driveway (trying to soak up the much awaited sunshine) in a pretty weakened state so you can imagine my shock when this massive box is brought over to me. I then proceed to open it and find it filled with even more packages! Long story short, I basically cried each time I opened a gift (which took about 30 minutes for the whole process because I was already so drained, I could barely get the wrapping paper open) , each one so incredibly thoughtful. Then I got to the bottom and there was a brand new iPad! I was in shock. I can’t believe I work with such an amazing, thoughtful team that went above and beyond what I could have ever imagined. I had actually just been thinking that same day how useful an iPad would be if I was going to start blogging through my treatment, realized I obviously won’t be having spare change to dump on electronics and that my birthday isn’t til November and then boom! Needs met. God has been pretty consistent about setting me up for success in all areas.

But wait, it didn’t stop there!

I’m not trying to brag but I have some pretty super amazing friends and family.

A care package from my cousin and aunt, and an awesome edible arrangement from my friends Dale and Sharon!

I’m going to stop posting pictures of my awesome loot (mainly because despite becoming a professional blogger, it’s taking me way too long to get these pictures in the right place and I’m about to trash it all but I’ve spent way too much time getting these 5 pictures on here, can’t turn back now) but also because I don’t want to be too show offy 😜 .

Back to the point, this having cancer thing really blows but you guys are all doing such an amazing job of cheering me up and giving me things to be positive about! All day I’ve been getting updates about all of the people who have contributed financially to my campaign and I know I’m getting redundant but I’m blown away. I love taking care of people and supporting people but it is much harder for me when the tables are turned. I keep thinking how am I going to pay all of these people back? How can I cook this many meals, help each person that’s offered me help/tips/advice, financially repay people? I’m trying to just remind myself that I have cancer and you guys aren’t expecting me to reciprocate, at least not right now, but it’s definitely a challenge. I’ve never been in a position where I needed this much support and I’m floored by everyone’s response. I truly can’t thank each of you enough, every action small or big has impacted me so greatly!

I am so thankful.